Black Days...

Had a couple of not-so-nice times... one happened at work today. The incident made me question once again the value of education, and whether this is the right job for me. I know I've always wanted to make a difference in the lives of others, and to nurture and care for young individuals. Many people around me have also remarked how suitable I am for the job, including Hubby. I know he has always placed great faith in me being able to do a good job in this profession, and constantly gives me support and advice on how to handle certain things. But sometimes, I still feel alone because I think no one can really understand how I feel.

Throughout the course of my work, I've witnessed so many disheartening events and experienced so much heartache that sometimes, I just wonder if I had even made the right choice deciding on this career. It's been a dream job of mine since primary school, and I made sure that I did my best at school so that I was able to choose what I wanted to study in order to fulfill my dream. I also took up part-time work related to this line just so I could better prepare myself for this job. But sadly, with each unpleasant encounter, I get increasingly disillusioned. Every time I feel this way, I feel like crying so bad. I treasure what education means to me, but my feelings for the job get trampled on time and time again with the bad experiences I go through. I have fallen, picked myself up and told myself to move on, only to fall again and again. It's neverending. Maybe it wouldn't feel so bad if I weren't passionate about this job to begin with. Because I feel strongly about what I value, I get all emotional when things don't go according to how I feel it should. Do I want to lead a lifetime like this? I seriously wonder. But I know I can't give up this career for many reasons. Most of the time, it's the thought of the kids and Hubby's moral support that gets me to persevere. But sometimes, I really feel very tired of what I see. Just... so tired.

I guess I'm just ranting on...perhaps it doesn't even make much sense here. I don't want to specify what happened... just wanna write what I'm feeling now.

Had a bad time last Sunday morning too. Went out jogging with Hubby, and when we ended the job and were walking back to our block, I felt horrible. Chest hurt when I took deep breaths, and my vision blurred cos was seeing spots. We stopped by the bakery near our place and wanted to place an order for a belated birthday cake for Mummy and Papa, and while we were checking out the types of cakes that we could order, I just felt faint and lost consciousness for a while. Luckily Hubby was by my side, and the person at the bakery happened to be a nurse who was helping out there then. She lay me on the floor and helped me to regain consciousness. Checked my pulse too and said it was weak, I think. Dunno why I blacked out. Could be because I went jogging without having breakfast, or perhaps I was still weak from the recent flu. :( Anyway, will have to be careful in future. Sure don't wanna experience this again.

Ok, that's all for today. Wanted to put down some happy thoughts too but no mood to do so now. Hopefully the next time I log in, I'll be a happier person than now. Tata.